TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from place. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let's have A different put the place American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations failed beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give Everybody a collection around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the project, replied, "You realize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Great tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may possibly contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting notice from Intercontinental buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also involve:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to find out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort where my PTSD may have turn-down assistance."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In Trump Tower Damascus line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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